Have you ever heard of spectatorism or in English “spectatoring”? This term, which can be compared to self-observation, defines the behavior of a person who during a sexual relationship going to focus on herself, on her performance, on her physique, and even on the aesthetics of the report rather than focus on feelings.
Blame it on social media?
In order to better understand this attitude, Diane Deswarte, sexologist and founder of the Club Kamami agreed to enlighten us on the subject. According to her, this behavior has taken more and more space in our lives for several years, the fault, among others, of social networks: “It’s something that is taking more and more place in sexual relations. In particular with a very standardized form of aesthetics found on social networks. Some people choose their vacation spots, the decor of their kitchen, their clothes, their beauty products according to the codes of Instagram or TikTok – and sometimes sexuality has to be aesthetic when basically it doesn’t. is not important”she says.
And these are not the only elements to take into account when talking about spectatorism. For the expert, complexes also have a role to play in this attitude: “This can manifest itself through the body and the complexes that you even want to hide from your partner, even from yourself or even mimicry in relation to films, you want there to be curves, whether it is beautiful, whether there is intention or the anxiety of performance: you have to lubricate, you have to have an erection, you have to last a long time, you have to come hard, etc.
Problem ? When we project an image that is not reality, to which we absolutely want to stick, we lose the connection with his/her partner as well as with the sensations.
How to detect spectatorism?
According to the professional, several signs can make it possible to detect spectatorism, whether for oneself or for his/her partner. Diane Deswarte explains: “Already, we can talk about it. That’s the basics: talking about sex, outside of sex, outside of the bedroom. We can ask each other questions. For example: What do you think about during intercourse? Is what you look like important to you? Do you feel like you are totally present?”, says the sexologist. But beware: Diane Deswarte warns: “if we want honest answers, then we also have to be ready to hear things that we don’t necessarily expect.”
And these are not the only signs: “In general, if there is a mirror in the bedroom, it can be a good indicator, does he or she look at himself or herself a lot, does he or she look at his or her own body. And in general, the person tries to put back his hair, his position, to bring in his belly”. Clearly, there is a lack of naturalness or fluidity.
5 tips to fight specatorism:
There is no secret, if you don’t want to do spectatoring, you have to learn to have mindful sex. This simply translates to a connection to the other: “It’s living in the present moment, connecting with the other: emotionally speaking, sexually speaking. Even if it’s a one-night stand! Focus on sensations, on touch, on words: be attentive to what is happening, be receptive.”says Diane Deswarte.
Do not panic, it is totally possible to fight against this attitude. Among the advice offered by professional Diane Deswarte, we first find the relationship to the body. How to modify the perception that one has with his body? By taking care of yourself, to connect to your body. Then, we also note mindfulness by connecting to sensations: “on a daily basis, certain mindfulness practices can help, such as yoga or classic or orgasmic meditation” explains the sexologist. Finally, the sexologist assures that communication with his or her partner is the key.
Of course, it is recommended to consult a sexologist in order to answer this problem and learn how to find a healthy balance in your sexual relations.
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What is spectatorism?
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