“Because I am the center of the universe. They went to great lengths to build a fake world around me.” the character from the novel by Philip K. Dick Disarticulated Time strongly inspired the hero played by Jim Carrey in The Truman Show, by Peter Weir. An image of climbing steps towards a fake sky taken from the film is the poster for this 75th edition of the Cannes Film Festival. The hero realizes that his daily life at Seahaven is in fact a reality show and that he is surrounded by actors and cameras, but this is more or less the common experience of whoever goes through the cinephile event. The “world under glass” effect is striking: the style of the city, the crowd that brews there for a fortnight, the geysers of professional stress of salespeople, producers, filmmakers, journalists, exhibitors running in all directions in a perimeter of the Côte d’Azur transmuted into a fair for the rummaging of world cinema covered with acronyms, slogans, the omnipresent music metronomically punctuating the red carpets… As a vade-mecum to the great raout, Release collected its raw data on the secret universe of the accredited, filtered it, analyzed it and returned it in the form of a psycho-socio-trick test. You should do this to understand exactly what your role is in the bubble.
What type of accreditation do you have?
HAS : La VIP non grata “Come here if you dare”
B: Golden QR Code of an NFT found in Dubai
VS : A daily skip-the-line for the breakfasts of the French Association of Arthouse Cinemas
D: Social-traitor
E: Platinum, under a false name and obtained on the black market
F: You do not need accreditation
What error message did you receive on the Festival’s online ticket office?
HAS : 504 Gateway Timeout
B: To unlock the page, accept the O’Tacos partnership (swipe right for the promo code)
VS : No time to go see movies
D: Your accreditation is not recognized
E: Our services have geolocated you, do not make any sudden gesture
F: You don’t understand this question
How do you get down to Cannes?
HAS : By Blablacar with change in Brest
B: In #iconic VistaJet
VS : You’ve been there for a fortnight, talking about the chronology of the media with the National Federation of French Cinemas
D: Do not panic, the accounting is on the spot
E: clandestinely
F: In a Louis Vuitton helicopter
Where are you staying in Cannes?
HAS : On a sofa bed with twelve other people at La Bocca
B: At Martinez, and in the metaverse
VS : In your office just vacated by the 50/50 collective
D: In a hacienda built on an Indian cemetery
E: Your villa in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat being currently under seal, you have retreated to a Quechua tent located on the Nespresso beach
F: It’s Cannes that lives in you
What do you eat between two sessions?
HAS : A flamekueche at the cafèt of the Cineum Imax de la Bocca
B: An O’Tacos (swipe right for your promo code)
VS : A triangle sandwich with the Blic-Bloc-ARP interprofessional snack
D: All that remains at the Forville market at 1:45 p.m.
E: Three Xanax in a protein shake
F: Chicken yassa (the real ones know)
Who stops you in the street?
HAS : Pensioners to ask you if you have seen Patrick Timsit pass
B: 14-year-old skaters sticking an iPhone under your nose
VS : HBO Max’s PR That Tells You to ‘Hold On’, It’s Coming
D: Heavily armed press officers
E: Interpol
F: Everyone, absolutely everyone
What are you most looking forward to?
HAS : The New Cronenberg Gala Project
B: Kanye West’s Secret Showcase
VS : The publication of your disruptive column in the world
D: Have Kristen Stewart come to your end-of-festival barbecue
E: Your Canadian passport
F: The acting prize that you unfairly missed last year
Who tried to dissuade you from coming?
HAS : Your BNP Paribas advisor
B: Your agent who gave you a VIP plan at a major Ubisoft event
VS : The joint mediation officer of the National Cinema Center
D: accounting
E: Your Monegasque lawyer
F: Raoul, your Tibetan meditation coach
Answers
- You have obtained a majority of A: you are accredited as a cinephile
- You got a majority of Bs: you are a 16-year-old TikTok influencer
- You obtained a majority of C: you are the distributor of a fragile film
- You got a majority of Ds: you work for Release
- You got a majority of E: you are a Russian oligarch
- You have obtained a majority of F: congratulations, you are Léa Seydoux
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Cannes: which festival goer are you? Take the test
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